quitter

i thought badminton was bad but this takes the trophy man. i really am considering quitting. why? i don't know. i'm not usually a quitter, i can confidently say. i work hard if i want something and i earn it. but this time i feel like i'm working towards a dead end. i feel baffled by the superficiality of the people around me. yes they sympathise but i wonder, are they discreetly rooting for my failure? cause my success would mean their demise. i've been suffering from mental torture ever since day one. i've been holding on. but nothing i do or achieve is good enough. i'm repeatedly reminded how lousy i am, how weak i am, how useless i am. what gets me most is when i am told that i don't try, that i am not giving enough. and it's transformed me into someone selfish,superficial and angry. i've been thinking things that are so violent, i'm surprising myself. if only i could just quit, just devote my days to volunteering. but something is holding me back and i dont know what.

when i say things are alright, i'm usually lying.