random musings

another week passes, and we're one step closer to the alevels.
MWAHAHHAHHAHAHAAHA.
okay that was the evil side of me speaking:)

first off. hello jeannie if ure there *waves* and aiyo, you very sweet i wanna eat u for dessert!
and jq, if u come for the third time, MOOOOOOOOOOOO.
kat, it's okay, and yessssssss soon pleasee.
vanessa, yoohoo?

i have this thing. where i analyse every aspect of my life and try to convince myself that i'm happy and satisfied with the way things are. it's a skill i picked up during my self-awareness camp. makes life seem brighter. so for now, i'ld think like, i'm on good terms with my family kerchiiing! i'm well, close to average when it comes to studies kerchiing! i have enough decent pals to keep me alive kerchiiing! and well the list goes on. trust me u'll suddenly think, 'eh why my life seems so perfect one ah?' but i think i'm running out of brain juice cause i've been feeling a little blue recently and none of my analytical shit seems to be able to make me feel better.

then i kind of think i know why i'm being so moody and uncomfortable.
i can't let go
i keep thinking, what if, what if i had stayed in odac, what if i had run faster during x-cty.
i keep being reminded of how i'm being treated like shit when i freeze during lectures and curse and swear about not getting the jacket.
i keep seeing that maroon bag around school and though i yearn to be a part of the team and to carry it, i have, at the same time, an uncanny disregard for the bag.
i keep nursing my damaged ego when i see other sports people running around.
i keep comparing my team to the hockey and soccer team. school rep or not, they TRAIN TOGETHER.

i've always been a rather bad tempered girl, but over the years, i've tried to supress the monster in me. i've seen bad temper in a person and trust me, i know how much damage it can cause to the impression one projects. but recently i've been feeling a familiar sensation fire up in me. for the first time in my life, i feel hatred, true blue hatred. i've been taking pleasure in spreading my venom around, making people turn against those i dislike.

but it's pointless. i think i have to move on. i don't want to talk about how unfairly i'm being treated anymore. i don't want to keep thinking about how some people aren't getting what they deserve. come on huay shan. there are other things that are more worthy of your time. i sat down for an hour going through my literature text today i and derived such joy from it! it was amazing. i had completely forgotten why i take lit.i had completely forgotten what it feels like to really understand a text. and there's my tutoring. it gives me a feeling that i've never felt before. a feeling that can only be felt when u know that ure time has been well spent to help another fellow homosapien:)

i'll never ever badmouth my ex-teammates anymore. i'll not regret joining the team. and (this requires the most effort) i'm going to forgive (can i please say this for the very last time!) the anal, hideously deformed bloodsucker and low-life, self-centred life-ruiner with forty pitchforks from hell stuck up his wrinkled,taut-wannabe ass. sorry ah ruiyi. i'm gonna be very passive from now on. all i'll talk about is ure class stuff and my class stuff, and well perhaps our future:)

long post aye? i'm done with feeling sore and sorry for myself and jealous of other ccas that seem to be blooming so well. what's done is done and i'm going to make the best out of the situation that i'm in. what's left for me is my studies. and my friends. and my tutoring. so, i'm gonna be VERY smart,a VERY good friend, and an inspiring tutor. (yeah right) if there's anyone else feeling like shit you might wanna try my analyse-theory-thingaling. it does work from time to time :D