about gritting your teeth and pushing yourself forward

hokay some pictures to make this place a bit happier looking.

but i'm not too happy at the moment, don't worry about trying to make me feel better, it's something i have to work on myself.

you know how people always say, ooooh watch out for mean consultants who yell at you and make you cry? Yeah i always thought that was funny and that I would probs be very amused if it were to happen to me but turns out... not funny and not amusing, at all. My consultant had a go at me today in front of my firm and the worst part was that I feel that all that she said was true, I wasn't well prepared and I did do my work but I don't know I think sometimes I think I know something but I actually don't- ahh I can't explain it but essentially I managed to keep my cool in front of her and the rest of my group but when I got back to my flat I texted this girl that I've been getting along with really well and she came over straightaway and I just started crying uncontrollably, you can't imagine how difficult it's been you really can't.

It may seem like being in medicine is amazing and that life is pretty much smooth sailing from here cause I've got a good career lying ahead of me- but that is so not true, nothing could be further from the truth. I'm constantly feeling insecure, stupid, inadequate and terrified. As I was sobbing my frustration out I kinda started thinking about doing something else cause I just don't think I'm clever enough sometimes, and I don't want to endanger people's lives if I'm not clever enough to help them. But i just cannot imagine doing anything else, it feels AMAZING to have the power to make people feel happier about having to lie in bed with needles all over their arms.

Worst thing is I can't even take the time off to be depressed because I've got so much to do today, tomorrow and on saturday. Sunday's my only day off and then it's back to being insecure, inadequate and terrified on Monday. I'm okay.. I've got my brother and there are people around who help me cope. But i just have to say.. it is not easy. it is not. It's about constantly having to think positively and it takes so so so much determination and passion to pull yourself through. Some people sail through effortlessly but average people like me really really struggle. We really do.

I'm okay.

huayshan

p/s it also hurts so badly when you give your heart to someone thinking that they feel as close to you as you feel to them and you realise that you were actually going way over your head. I've managed to save myself from this sort of heartache for quite awhile but I guess I was a bit too hasty this time. Gotta take a step back and harden my heart.

i am sounding so emotional and sensitive in this post. i do apologise!

*update* : i am buying myself an abercrombie checkered work shirt to cheer myself up, I've been wanting one for ages and I need the boost.