Being weed tolerant.

Amsterdam was really really fun!! I went cycling around the city, nearly got run over a million times, had hash brownies every night cause it WOULDNT FLIPPIN work on me- and watched one of my friends get stoned which made me laugh so hard i almost peed myself- i went to the Anne Frank House, which was the best thing ever, it was the best museum I've ever been to, i'll explain why in my proper amsterdam post, which i will write up once my friends get back from paris(they all went on to paris but i came back first) cause they have the pictures, i lost my camera in copenhagen remember? :( and i went to the HAHA sex museum which also made me laugh like mad, and we went to the flower garden where there were tulips like.. everywhere. i think i enjoyed the cycling the most actually, today we went on a ferry to a village in amsterdam and cycled around the countryside for ages and it just made me feel really happy (:

tired. nightoes!

huay shan

Me- Part 1

It's 1.30am and I'm kinda wide awake for some reason- which isn't normal, I had horrible sleeping habits post A'levels due to my obsession with Lost (slept from 6am-4pm for 2 weeks until I finished Season 1 haha) but for the past few years I've been a fall-asleep-at-midnight kinda girl- I think I'm slightly more awake now cause I drank Dr Pepper just now, I love Dr Pepper! It DOES NOT taste like cough syrup okay it is delicious!!! So...thought I'ld just kinda do some thinking aloud here. I've kinda used this place as a ranting ground for ages but maybe it's time I kinda stepped back from my (occasionally) angsty self and write about my life from a more reflective perspective.

Since it's 1ish am, 1=13 if you think in terms of 24 hours, so I'll talk about the THIRTEEN most significant things that have happened to me since I came to Birmingham.

1) Meeting Jima
She's intercalating now and she's not in the same house so I don't see her as much but despite all that there are few things that I enjoy more than having her in my living room for hours with a pizza, cushions and a guitar. She is the Diana Barry to my Anne Shirley (in case you didnt know, my favourite books of all times are Anne of Green Gables/Avonlea/Windy Willows etc and Little Women) and it's so hard for me to find solid proper friends here that it really hits me when I find someone that really gets me.

2)Failing a paper in 1st year
At the time I was crushed and mildly suicidal but it was a good lesson and I honestly consider it one of my greatest achievements, getting through that. It wasn't just the whole studying for the exam thing, it was my ability to remain mentally strong and determined that I'm proudest of. Doesn't mean I wouldn't mind failing this year though *knocks on wood*-I actually literally just knocked on my dresser.

3)Getting to know Liz better
It took me awhile to get to know her better and to (haha I always use this quote) : 'give my heart away' but I trust her completely now and I think she's been an extremely sincere friend to me and for some unfathomable reason seems to love me despite my many shortcomings and annoying habits. I just think that if I hadn't come to England we wouldn't have gotten closer and I would have missed out on a pretty epic friendship. =)

4)Getting a Blackberry (aka Marcus)

I kinda grew out of the whole wanting-to-get-the-most-hightech-phone phase when I was 16, but Marcus has seriously changed my life. It's amazing being able to email, fb msg, bbm and whatsapp people regularly. I've kept in touch with Stella on BBM, I've got all my favourite people on whatsapp(if i whatsapp you then you're one of them) and I can email my mommy whenever i like. Best part is of course my free minutes- I love being able to use my skype credit to call my mommy everyday (:

I've got 9 more things to talk about but I'm knackered so I'll carry on in my next post- meanwhile here are some pictures that I took with my laptop camera- they're a bit blurry but I went shopping and I really want to show people what I bought!! :))

Shoes for 22.50 pounds. Took me awhile to decide whether I should get them or not- but I decided to cause they're not your typical gladiator sandals, I love the rose petals and they're slightly heeled but they look flat so it looks as if my legs are uber thin in flats. NICE.

Walked into Miss Selfridge and happened to chance upon the accessories sale rack!! 4 hairpins, 2 rings and 1 headband for 6pounds-- PLUS a 10% student discount so it came up to.. 5.40 pounds? I dont normally wear rings but I thought I'ld start. with simple ones. the head band is gold and its got the words love welded on its side. i like!

Tada! I'm going to Amsterdam tomorrow, and I saw this in F21 a couple of weeks ago and thought it was cute but thought I didnt need it *Smacks self*. When I saw it then, it was in a gorgeous see-through bag with red hearts all over it, but when I went back today it was in this ugly black bag zz. but the stuff inside is still awesome! it's got a mini funnel, a couple of scoop spoons and everything! All for 5 pounds :)

I know it looks like I'm trying to imply that I am beautiful, I APOLOGISE, that was not my intention AT ALL!!!!! i just wanted to show you what the bag looked like, I completely forgot that it had the word BEAUTY emblazoned on its front. haha!

Lastly.. a top I found in F21 for 3.99 pounds. It actually looks pretty nice, and the colour is a really nice dusty pale blue. (:

That's all for now, I'll update after coming back from Amsterdam on Weds. I wanna go to Anne Frank's museum!!! and see the annex!! Okays. Take care love you guys!

huay shan

about food?

Not to be obsessive or anything, but I think this place may be my food diary for a bit- for the past week, everytime I go on skype the first thing my mom(and bro who is home for a bit) says is OMG SO FAT YOUR FACE!!

it started off being funny but now it's really starting to get to me. I don't think I'm upset per se, i think what REALLY bugs me is the fact that being called fat is a blow to my ego- i've always lived under the assumption that when people look at me they see a skinny twig but I think over the years I've become an average sized person- which isn't bad, no! but I'm the kind of person that needs some leeway with everything- I can't start an essay one day before the deadline and I can't start studying a new chapter one day before the exam, I need to finish things a few days in advance or i'll feel extremely paranoid and insecure. I also can't have anything planned on the day of important events like prom or medball- I need to know that I have time to re-curl my hair or remove my makeup if I mess either up. So let's go back my little ones, if we apply this mentality of mine to the whole weight situation, it all comes down to me liking to know that I have room to expand into- I like knowing that I can afford to put on a couple of pounds, it's comforting you know?

I've definitely been making more of an effort lately- I eat slowly, I don't eat two dinners and I've been exercising everyday- I've had a few 1 hour slow jogs which were quite nice and easy but I tried doing kinda like a sprint-jog-sprint-jog regime yesterday and I almost died 10 mins after, it's flippin' difficult!!! Maybe I should do that more often, I don't think you really burn calories when it's too easy. But i like my long easy runs!!

I apologise in advance for being a proper annoying skinny b**** but it's just the way I feel and it's really all about me feeling good about myself- I feel a lot better after working out a bit more and putting a halt to my previously monstrous eating habits. Looking back ah... I was a bit mad ah!! I remember eating to impress- like I'ld be full but continue stuffing my face so people will be impressed by my eating capacity hahaha. Also, I think it helped that I was in sports teams cause I was forced to work out. Ah..... I think that's probably why I'm pudging up now... no sports. That makes sense. I'll join the kung fu club next term.

Also... been developing another new hobby- looking at recipes!!!! makes me really happy. I'm trying carrot cake tomorrow, and a tortilla lasagne, they both look amazing (:

(in case anyone is interested, I made beef stew yesterday and have been having it with boiled egg noodles, super delish! I put beef, garlic, onions, carrots, potatoes and a tin of tomatoes in it and it was surprisingly tasty yayyy(: )

bye!!

huay shan

about hommeee soooon!

as the days go by, i get more anxious about results cause im looking forward to going home SO much, it'll kill me if i have to stay behind for a retake :(

I've developed a new hobby haha making my own shirts! i bought a plain white shirt and tried to personalise it for a friend's birthday gift and it looks pretty good actually, i sewed on three pear buttons and i put a small round black cloth behind each button, it makes it look better! and i sewed on a peter pan collar in black, ME LIKEY!!!!! took ages cutting it out and sewing it on properly but it was good fun! wanna make sth for myself next :)

And... i've got relatively fun stuff planned for the next week- amsterdam! yes i've been there before but this time i'm going with more people and i want to go to anne frank's house!! missed it when i was there the last time. hopefully they'll wanna go too :)

also, i've kinda manage to get myself into a random attachment to the psychological medicine department in TTSH for when i get back to singapore, and i'm a bit anxious cause it took me 3 months of filling up and sending forms back and forth to get the place and now im worried if i get a resit ill have to cancel the whole attachment and then they will kill me and blacklist me :( also, i dont know what to expect cause ive not done psych yet oh dearie. *slaps forehead*

annnnd. i have been running longer distances when i run in an effort to shed the fatties!! i did 8km yesterday and it felt lovely (: will go again tomorrow :) ALSO, im gonna watch source code tmr wheeeeee!

huay shan

about my panic attack

okay so far am doing okay......

It's getting sunnier here so it's nice to go for runs and I ran for a full 50 mins today it was nice and sunny and I enjoyed it. Also been having soup and noodles(if anyone watches xiaxue's guide to life, i tried the recipe for the abc soup that she cooked for valentine's day- turned out to be a mild disaster cause she said to put a LIBERAL amount of soy sauce and i took that literally so it became soy sauce soup but i poured some out and added water, so it's all yummilicious now!) and i've stopped eating multiple cupcakes, only one sweet thing a day for me :D

Thing is i have half a tub of ben and jerry's in my freezer. what do i do with it?!! a spoonful a day??

haha and I heard back from med school and i didn't get an offer for psych medicine, which i'm not too upset about because it makes my decision a whole lot easier, BUTT it got me mega worried that they rejected me because i messed my 3rd year exams up, but after speaking in a high pitched hysterical voice to many people i've come to the conclusion that it's probably due to my (very lousy) application form. I've emailed them anyhow. Just to check. Ya i'm one of those annoying people who emails everybody heh.

I'm also ultra worried abt having to do resits this year- i've only got a 5 week break and i've made plans that i realllllly don't wanna cancel- so please pray for me cause i will be CRUSHED if i have to have any resits :(

why is it im always in this situation UGHHH

huay shan

about........ facing my demons.

sigh. i've been dreading this ALL MY LIFE.
I've been able to get away with it for the past 22 years- and truth be told I think this is a punishment- because I didn't really appreciate what I had.
It took me a long time to admit this. I kept procrastinating,kept thinking that it was alright, that it wasn't as bad as it seemed.

When I felt like I was stifled, I felt like things were so tight I couldn't breathe.. I waved my arms, and had some chocolate cake. It's okay, it's just one of those days, I said to myself.

But now it's time to face the truth. Certain things don't lie, and I need to go back to the way I was. People are going to say I am crazy and people are going to judge me- and I myself will probably struggle with it.. but I will work hard to do it nevertheless.

Oh and what is this problem you ask..?

It all started........ with........

A weighing scale.

thanks for being supportive(in advance) but weighing scales don't lie. I'm ashamed to admit this here and people might beat me but I don't care. I used to be 51kg heavy and I was pretty happy with that and I am now... 55kg(pre-poop) pr 54kg(post poop).

I know I'm still relatively slim but i don't feel good about myself, so let me do this, and support and help me! DO YOU WANT ME TO BE UNHAPPY?? DO YOU??

I should have realised that I had to avoid tight fitting clothes for a reason earlier, sigh...

okay my plan:

1) Run everyday
2) No eating after 8pm ( exceptions: fruits, sweet corn)
3) Lots of soupy, stew-like food
4) Yummy food(curry, italian) twice a week
5) Snack on fruits(bananas and melon, only fruits i like) and sweet corn and toast

Seeee it's not unhealthy I'm not being anorexic I'm just being healthier. seriously the way I eat now is not very pleasant.

Okay. Will go back to 51kg and be sexy again!!!!!!!!!!

huay shan

about !!!!!!

Okay I'm calmer now. My exam went okay today still got 2 more but today went alright i think so whew! It was a hospital based exam and I think i did crap in two stations but it's okay.I need to rant, it may be quite incoherent but just bear with me!
At one station I saw like flexed fingers and I don't know why but trigger finger popped into my head immediately cause I was just reading about rheumatoid arthritis yesterday so I kinda assumed it was that but turns out it was dupuytren's contracture :( I thought i messed it up but apparently the two are quite similar looking so it was a reasonable mistake to make. i hope.

I was also praying I wouldn't get anything to do with external genitalia cause im just generally uncomfortable with it and yes i've not attained that level of maturity yet haha but one of my stations was a dude with a hernia in his groin but i kept my cool and yeah it wasn't THAT bad.

At the rest I got decent stuff, and I heard and diagnosed a murmur accurately, FIRST TIME haha but i was a bit thrown off because the patient had half his nose removed? I was like...?

arghhh one hour break then back to the library.

Another thing.. everyone's like intercalating next year....... and I'm not sure if I should. I havent told anyone here but I secretly applied to do a degree in psychological medicine/international health but....

1) I did it for fun, thinking i wouldn't do it if i got in anyway so my application form is CRAP so probs won't get it

2) Even if i did get it, i'm not sure if it'ld be the right choice.. Should i have picked a clinical science one instead..? DECISIONS!!!

I guess i'll just see what i get and go from there. Probs 70% chance of not getting a place.

Argh my life!!! so complicated!!

huay shan