about being soooo boring :(

i started a new rotation this week and it's 10000x less scary, the medical doctors are a lot less intimidating than surgical doctors, PHEWWW! so less stress on the hospital side.

On a sadder note, exams, major ones are in a month and I don't go for lectures so when I opened the folder of lecture notes online I almost fainted cause there's so much! Have been struggling to juggle hospital work with academic work but i think i've gradually become less enthusiastic with hospital work cause to be honest it's good fun putting cannulas/catheters(i inserted my first catheter last week, it was surprisingly simple but very strange holding someone's peepee haha) but i've come to realise that i understand things ten times better if my academic work is up to date. So have been a lot less keen recently, i just come home straight after my last teaching session, take a nap and then run to the library. Ok... maybe i spend a few hours watching Friends, eating and playing but i do a lot more work than i used to!!

Still loving running up the Hereford hill, i call it my butt toner. I also realise that I have a childish streak in me o_o, two of the guy medics make fun of my running, saying I just run to KFC and for some strange reason i want to ask them to run with me so that i can run super crazy fast and tire the crap out of them but everytime i'm tempted to open my mouth i pat myself on the head and say to myself, you are 22 you are 22....

HAHA. nothing else really interesting happeninggggggg oh yea i've been buying a lot of random clothes i like the whole loose crop top look thing and h&m has multiple cheap basics so i've done quite a fair bit of damage am afraid :( and i've recently fallen in love with the whole floppy messy batwing baggy cardigan look(i'm not fashion forward so i make names up)- they ran out of my size of this really pretty one in Miss Selfridge- which made me want it EVEN MORE so i ordered one online >.< these are the times when i say to myself,at least you're not spending it on drugs, it's ok it's ok...


I HAVE THE DAY OFF TMR.. i can't believe it i keep looking at my phone with terror,expecting a text to come in asking me to go in tomorrow for something but nothing's happened yet so YAYYY!!!!! SLEEEP SLEEEP CATCH UP ON WORK!!!! i have to make a stupid poster on two babies i've been following up, I've got all the information but it's taking me HOURS to organise it, YARGHH!!!

okay i've wasted 20 mins. NICE WORK. :(

bye!

huayshan

About me going back to my good place.

I was really extremely upset last week, for no good reason too actually- but for some reason i spent the entire weekend either crying or feeling depressed. I think it all just hit me at the same time you know? But I went back on Monday feeling slightly more optimistic and the week went alright at first, nothing tooo bad happened and then THURSDAY CAME-- aka the day where consultant-who-made-me-cry was scheduled to teach us again. She told us to come prepared with a history so I was panicking all week struggling to take a good one, 2 of my patients backfired cause they were either too ill or too confused but in the end I got a good one.

I worked really hard on it, I practiced typing up other histories and sent them to my brother to be corrected and I spent awhile reading the patient's notes and reading about the condition (rectal prolapse, not nice)and it all paid off cause when I presented it back to her, she smiled at me and said it was excellent, she was pleased and that I had advanced from the previous week. I'm still scared of her but it feels so good to know that my work did pay off.

And i'm back to my happy place again, the place where I am in control of my feelings and myself. To be honest, I've been a bit out of whack for the past month,I've kinda been crushing on someone who's attached and I've been stressing out a lot as well about work and life in general- and i think i kinda let go of myself then, thinking it was alright to not be good sometimes- but truth is discipline is the one thing that keeps me sane. As I walked to the supermarket alone to buy food to treat myself after the teaching with the consultant, I started feeling a sense of inner peace, something I've not felt for quite awhile and I felt so happy. I've still got so much work I could cry and I'm still rubbish compared to others in hospital but..... I am back to being steady and I'm going to try to face any obstacles that come my way with a brave face and a strong heart. (:

also, one thing my brother said to me will ALWAYS stick with me- he asked, "Shan, throughout your life have you ever worked hard and not seen the results?"
Which is so true cause I'm always struggling to keep up at the beginning but the results do eventually show after I work hard. Owh, life is a bitch but it throws you a life jacket every so often so I'm going to do all I can to grab it.

i'm good again.

p/s can i buy another hollister shirt cause i did well? the one i bought last week is GORGE!!!

huay shan

about being OKay again.

to the people I've been whining to,

I'm sorry and I'm back to normal now, all determined to conquer the world and well.. to keep pressing on.

My brother has set me straight.. again. Things have fallen into perspective, I'm seeing straight now and I've stopped wallowing in self pity. Dangerous place to wallow in that is. It's hard sometimes I think, to climb out of an abyss of self pity. It's nice to wallow cause you feel like it's not your fault cause you have a reason to be upset and it's frankly darned exhausting to muster up the determination to be optimistic and to try to work harder. It's so much easier wallowing in self doubt and unhappiness. Not doing any work? Oh that's okay cause I'm being sad. I'm taking a personal day off. But NO MORE WHINY HUAYSHAN, i bought myself a Hollister shirt (Abercrombie a bit too expensive ah..) -- light yellow with light blue stripes and the collar and sleeves have a really pretty blue checkered lining! -- so i'm going to wear it tomorrow and remind myself that it's time for me to start afresh.

*side story, Hollister is so freaking dark and LOUD!! I walked into what I thought was the changing room and started taking my top off when Hot Salesgirl walked in and said "Whoa there! Changing room's that way!" for gawd sake steal some of the lights from Forever 21 and stick it in your store then!!! -_- it was a store room btw but there was a flipping mirror in it, it's so misleading!

okay. please let me stay strong. *nods* Hopefully I'll be back with good news on Thursday (:

huayshan

about gritting your teeth and pushing yourself forward

hokay some pictures to make this place a bit happier looking.

but i'm not too happy at the moment, don't worry about trying to make me feel better, it's something i have to work on myself.

you know how people always say, ooooh watch out for mean consultants who yell at you and make you cry? Yeah i always thought that was funny and that I would probs be very amused if it were to happen to me but turns out... not funny and not amusing, at all. My consultant had a go at me today in front of my firm and the worst part was that I feel that all that she said was true, I wasn't well prepared and I did do my work but I don't know I think sometimes I think I know something but I actually don't- ahh I can't explain it but essentially I managed to keep my cool in front of her and the rest of my group but when I got back to my flat I texted this girl that I've been getting along with really well and she came over straightaway and I just started crying uncontrollably, you can't imagine how difficult it's been you really can't.

It may seem like being in medicine is amazing and that life is pretty much smooth sailing from here cause I've got a good career lying ahead of me- but that is so not true, nothing could be further from the truth. I'm constantly feeling insecure, stupid, inadequate and terrified. As I was sobbing my frustration out I kinda started thinking about doing something else cause I just don't think I'm clever enough sometimes, and I don't want to endanger people's lives if I'm not clever enough to help them. But i just cannot imagine doing anything else, it feels AMAZING to have the power to make people feel happier about having to lie in bed with needles all over their arms.

Worst thing is I can't even take the time off to be depressed because I've got so much to do today, tomorrow and on saturday. Sunday's my only day off and then it's back to being insecure, inadequate and terrified on Monday. I'm okay.. I've got my brother and there are people around who help me cope. But i just have to say.. it is not easy. it is not. It's about constantly having to think positively and it takes so so so much determination and passion to pull yourself through. Some people sail through effortlessly but average people like me really really struggle. We really do.

I'm okay.

huayshan

p/s it also hurts so badly when you give your heart to someone thinking that they feel as close to you as you feel to them and you realise that you were actually going way over your head. I've managed to save myself from this sort of heartache for quite awhile but I guess I was a bit too hasty this time. Gotta take a step back and harden my heart.

i am sounding so emotional and sensitive in this post. i do apologise!

*update* : i am buying myself an abercrombie checkered work shirt to cheer myself up, I've been wanting one for ages and I need the boost.

about my belated resolutions

Sometimes when you feel like life is all haphazardy and there are a billion things you need to fix, you can make things better by making a plan.

1) I will start reading books so that my English will stop deteriorating!! Omg it actually depresses me cause I've been finding it a bit difficult lately to string a grammatically correct sentence together. I want to kill myself.

2) I will keep running in Hereford cause I don't want to be fat and because it's the one thing that keeps me sane.

3) I will work consistently and I will not despair even when it seems like I am the stupidest person on earth and I will never finish studying. I will not complain, I will plod on doggedly.

After weeks of feeling like the stupidest person on earth, I finally had a feel-good moment today- keep in mind that I really am very dumb, and that I know nothing when doctors ask questions- 2 patients gave my GP positive feedback about me and he beamed at me so proudly I was positively glowing with delight. I'm really lousy at sciency stuff so I'm hoping I can revel in my little happy moment here without sounding arsey..?

WORK. tired.

huayshan

about something a little bit awkward.

I am so tired. so so so tired. :(

But it's been a reasonably okay week, I saw a couple of operations I really enjoyed seeing- I had a lecture on piles last week and when I saw that it was among the lists of surgery that was to be done for the day i got WAY excited and went along to watch it, it wasn't pleasant looking but was nice seeing things in real life when you read about them in books.

Saw lots of butts and external genitalia this week haha, today I had the weirdest teaching session ever. I had a teaching session with 4 others- at 6pm- on the female pelvic examination, aka vaginal examination. The facilitator was like yea, you practice on the model a couple of times then you'll have a go on me, and I was like *eyes bulge out* ??? But it went quite well for me, i tried to look at it as an anatomical thing instead of a person, it helped ease the awkwardness and I kept jabbering on to the lady about whether she was cold or in pain blabla.. haha interesting experience INDEED.

OH and another old man asked if I was single, I said I wasn't. Not gonna go through the whole number asking nonsense again zz.

And apparently it's chinese new year today!!! hahahaha oman.......

okay. saturday's medball. Hopefully it'll be fun!

huayshan