Hello Hell Week(s)

Work's starting to pile up. This week marks the start of Hell Week(s). Presentations, LTB execution, reports, individual assignments and trainings galore. Yippee. At least there's trainings to keep me grounded, sane and happy. It's just the rushing and the work that kills my spirits.

Oh well, I will get through this.

Thanks buddy, for offering me reassurance and a listening ear even though you're going through shit yourself. Thank you for making the effort and for trying.

xoxo
MAR

the weekend passes so quickly and i'm getting closer to twenty.

meeting peiying was a refreshing experience :) i was comfortable and happy and unglam all over again. elise will be my next, i promise. soon.

badminton later, but i'm kinda lazy to go. some random daylight saving thing happened today. don't understand it. all of us were supposed to move our watches and clocks back by an hour. then people who don't know how? go to lectures one hour early ah? haha anyhow it means an hour more of sleep for me so yay for me! wish it was 5 hours back instead of only 1 though. brrrrrrr.

school's intense but it's gorgeous.

huayshan

hi darlings,

it's me again. marianne i will reply u i swear. i am an ugly ogre.

thank you for being nice about my predicament (points below) but things really looked up today cause i opened my mouth and began being damn extra. i tell you if i do this in singapore nobody would like me. everyone would say i'm an extra bootlicker. but basically i went up to people and went hey! wanna walk home tgt? and we all talked and all and i went for some BWAMS(birmingham widening access to medical sciences.. i think) society meeting alone on purpose to FORCE MYSELF TO SOCIALIZE. btw may i mention that i love this society cause it does what i've ALWAYS WANTED TO DO- we go to like "neighbourhood schools" and encourage kids to take up careers in the health sciences. also conduct mock interviews for the more eager kids cause they're usually looked down upon by interviewers. i seriously am passionate about doing this. ever since the relief teaching stint i've been itching to do something like this. anyhow back to my point- so i started talking to anyone who came near me and i talked to this girl who i thought was a bitch who stays above me and is a medic too and zomg she's quite nice leh. she asked me to come upstairs and visit her(in a non-obligatory way i could tell) but i paisei!! go there do what???

then lovely lovely badminttooooon. i make the most noises on court. everyone's really glam but i squeal and stamp my feet and jump and trip over my feet. weird leh. in malaysia ppl make more noise in a badminton game than in a night market. ohwell and my partner was so nice she found me amusing i think she didnt look at me like i was mad she laughed at my antics. awwww(: thhheeennn on my way back i talked to this girl and jabbered away nonstop in a very huayshan manner and she asked me to go for drinks with her this weekend. omg. i just opened my mouth a bit today and this is what i get. BE BRAVE SHAN! open yourself up (: it's all better. i'm good.LOVEYOUALL

xxxxxxxxxx
huayshan

I Thought This Day Would Never Come

Hello kids!

I feel like I'm in a good place right now (:

So far things seem to be going well for work despite the fact that I'm kinda lost on MFE right now. LTB seems to be progressing well too!

I really thought this day would never come, the day where my project would get sponsors who are absolute angels and the day where I feel like I have things under control and that I can manage all my commitments.

I feel really blessed and lucky right now. Thank God.

I hope things continue in this direction. I have 4 presentations and a graded assignment due within the next 2 weeks. I pray I do have everything under control.

Alright, time to study study study again!

xoxo
MAR

sigh,

sometimes i wish i were in NUS medicine. Life would be so, soo ,SOOO much easier. I would have plenty of people I know around me and I would fit in like a chocolate sprinkle on top of a cupcake.

then again I wouldn't be able to see how truly gorgeous this place is. I walk to and back from school everyday with a smile on my face. It's seriously beautiful.

i promised debra before i left that i would be honest about whether i was happy or not so i shall be true to my promise.

today was a saddddd day. cause my tutorial group has got like a few cliques and there's this angmoh clique that i can't seem to penetrate no matter how friendly i am. ok maybe i don't really put in the effort to say much(shy mah) but sometimes they so blatantly leave me out of discussions(when i'm unfortunate enough to be grouped with them) that i really wonder if they know they're being rude. i can get along better with a group of british-pakistanis but sometimes i look back on my lovely life in singapore where i had no end of friends to talk to and wonder why the hell i left my comfort zone. but at the end of the day i always know that coming here is something i'll never regret. cause when and i say WHEN,not IF, WHEN i finally feel cosy among the angmohs and start feeling at home here, I'll know that I've conquered yet another hurdle in life. a big one. in the meantime i'm making a ton of good international student-friends. I'm just sad about not being able to blend in with most angmohs. Okay i'm weird. haha! but i just don't want to be one of those ppl who sticks to asians. then come here for what. at the same time i don't want to be one of those asians who try to hard to fit in and end up being miserable with angmohs when they could be happy with asians. hard to strike the balance but i just feel that it's impt to have a grp of asian friends to fall back on should i feel sad at anytime.

random but i heart heart badminton cause THERE, all the angmohs are damn damn nice to me and they don't make me feel like i'm different. training this thurs!! *whoops*

tomorrow i end lessons at one, have a meeting with my med sch "dad" and "brother" and "sister". then i'm off to a movie with this indo girl and hongkong girl. I ADORE THEM foresee myself being good friends with them.

i can't wait to be home in buona vista, with people loving me left,right,centre.

heart,
huayshan.

Let It Roll

So today was the first day of my LTB execution. Though there will be many obstacles ahead of us, I feel that we got a good head start for our project.
Today was the first time I sat in a lorry! It was really fun stuff! The feeling of the wind in your face is absolutely bliss! We traveled all the way to Chinatown to transport heavy metal cabinets. It was tough work but worth while cos we got desserts for the whole team as well (which was delicious by the way!)
Back at the home, we played with the kids since there wasn't much we could do today. The kids are a real bundle of joy. Never thought I'd actually say that since you know my views on kids. This is probably the first bunch of kids I enjoy hanging out with. They never fail to amuse me with their weird stories and their little dances. Absolute joy, but nonetheless, very tiring! Especially after playing in the playground with them but I feel this is actually one of the most fulfilling experiences I've had so far and I'm really enjoying myself. Feels good to finally execute the project.
Unfortunately, we still have a long way more to go and many obstacles ahead such as the lack of sponsorship. We're gonna have to work really hard these 2 weeks. The number of times we'll have to meet up is insane. Not to mention I've gotta factor in trainings, it's just gonna be 2 hell weeks. I just pray hard I survive.
Speaking of which, I feel that I'm in quite a good place right now. Despite the emotional slips here and there, I'm studying more and I'm a wee bit more focused and disciplined, something which I should've been a long time ago. But at least I'm getting started. I just hope I can keep this up.
Alright, it's time to study study study now!

xoxo
MAR

lasagne, pasta and cannelloni are my best friends.

i had my first GP posting today and it was awesome. took a looong bus ride with my groupmates to the gp practice and we were there from 9-5pm. it was great fun. sat in during patient consultations for about an hour and i saw some really interesting cases. Then we were allowed to view the patients' history via the computer system and we spent some time doing that too(: then we learnt to take each other's blood pressure and pulses which was pretty darn cool. first time i put on a stethoscope!(i don't even know how to spell it-_-) and did lots of other random things too. the gp in charge of us was verrry nice and my groupmates were all friendly(4 in a grp including me) except for this girl who seemed to not want to talk to me cause i was asian. i was a bit pissed at first but ohwell, her loss and i was too tired to bother to be angry.

i have a tutorial to complete by tmr and i'm quite tired but ah. feel happy. i like what i'm doing. and tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!!bloody shit thank God. i know i have plenty of emails to reply and i'll do that tmr i promise. hang in there!! ;)

went for a malaysian society meeting a couple days back and met some other malaysian medics, two my year and a couple yr 2s. HAPPPPYYYYY!!! we all get along super uber well. it's like i'm slowly enlarging my social circle. haha.

huay shan is happy and peaceful in birmingham(though saddened by the occasional racial discrimination) but BUT she still hearts singapore plenty. will tell more sooonn!

love,huayshan.

Yay Balloons!

Today was a good day :)
Let's just leave it at that.

xoxo
MAR

Thank You For The Music

These past few days have been simply hectic and I think this is just the beginning. Well, I guess that's what I signed up for, so I shouldn't be complaining. It's just that work is getting tougher and there's so many projects ahead of me. On top of that, I still have to keep my studies in check and balance my other commitments. Sleep has really become a luxury more than anything else. It's scary at how easily I conk out the minute my head hits the pillow and how difficult it is to wake up. I mean, I can't go on sleeping through 4 alarms! I think I really need the alarm clock that runs away, or the bed that throws you out of it. Oh well, 5 more weeks to freedom baby! I will get through this.
Anyhow, I don't think I could've survived thus far without the people that keep me in check and the people who are always by my side, supporting me. So thank you, I don't think I can ever say this enough, you know who you are :)

Saturday and Friday night were really fun. It brought back memories of the good ol' days. Though our numbers are few, it was still enjoyable nonetheless. I'm really missing those overseas people a hell lot now so please come back! I wish I could have all of you guys by my side each and every single day.

xoxo
MAR

talking about myself and all those around me

yeap, so i'm in the midst of my uni life now and it's getting stable already. I've got my Singaporean friends to fall back on though i am closer to a few and i think one or two don't really like me. Anyhow I'm close to a few people and they're enough to keep me sane. Michelle and Amanda are my buddies, they make me laugh and I feel really comfortable with them. Lukai's my pillar, he stays 5 seconds away from me and puts up with my nonsense and randomness. He's stable and very sensible. Kingsfield's my medicine buddy, he's crazy and vulgar but i know i can count on him for support when I need it. So that's pretty much all that I need.

Then we have my other friends. I've got a whole bunch of international student buddies that I hang out with in med school and that I like plenty. We were having dinner once and I remember us discussing the way sex is perceived in our countries.HAHA random. I have some good angmoh friends but they're usually the more bookish kind. I don't have close cool ang moh friends. HAHAHAHA!!

Contrary to what you may think, I'm not happening nor cool. I don't go clubbing often and I hate drinking seriously. Drank a lot initially to "socialize" but i've decided to just heck socialising and drink the amount that makes me feel comfortable-which is usually a sole glass of vodka.(which btw makes me turn red immediately after. i'm an awful drinker!) I go for plenty of social events though. Went for a badminton "curry" dinner yesterday and it was great fun. curry sucked though. haha! i like these kinda events more kinda cause you really get to make friends.

I'm already a little pressured by school and am hooked to my laptop which is BAAD. but the best part is that I'm already settling into my coccoon over here. like my life is stabilising, and I'm enjoying myself in a very peaceful way. Just like how it was in Singapore, just that I had more lovely friends in Sg. But for the record, I'm happy. Wish I had a cooler social life but nonetheless I'm at peace and undisturbed. oh and in case you're wondering, no hot guys. No potential boyfriend for huay shan yet. sorry. hahahaha. i really can't wait to get back to singapore. class outings, vanessa-tings, marianne-and-twin-ings, time with my bro and gf, my parents spoiling the shit out of me(they've become more affectionate towards me now) etcetc. i'll never stop missing singapore i swear. okay off to bed.

xxx
huayshan

What Time?

Due to recent events, sleep is no longer a necessity, it has become a luxury.
I need to learn proper time management.
If only I could learn emotional management as well.
Oh how I wish.
Just as I thought the worst was over, shit just keeps coming.
I can't even deal with my personal issues and now I have to deal with unreasonable requests that push the limits.
This is really pushing me to my limit.
Oh what else could possibly come next? I only wonder with fear and curiosity.
It's a common saying that things will get better in time to come.
Sad to say, I fail to share that optimistic point of view.
Right now, reality keeps proving that saying wrong.
It's sad how my perfectly good day got tainted due to one insane request and a workload that just keeps piling.
How I wish I could turn back the hands of time and go through carefree days.
Oh well, we live and we learn.


MAR

WHEW!

me and veronica. she's a hongkong medic, always eats lunch with me=)


the rest a bit siao already. haha took this yesterday, went to the biggest club in Birmingham for an oriental society event. so it totally felt like i was in singapore cause it was all asians! Supposed to be a "school" themed event so i wore a vest but some people like boh pian just wear dress. HAHAHHA like AMANDA. (:

so what's up with meeeee. a lot of work and i'm pretty tired. i guess i should have expected it but i can't seem to get used to the lifestyle. it's just messy and days are long(9-6pm on average) though i do have random shorter days. It's exhausting making friends too seriously. I felt quite sad today for awhile cause my tutorial group is so hard to get along with-all whites and i couldn't bring myself to take part in the discussion. but when i left the room some seniors and other medics saw me looking miserable and they just made me feel ever so much better. it can only get better so i'm going to be positive =)

ok i'm stressed now cause i have to buy airtickets for jan. GRR hate that. and i have so much work and i'm tired. sigh. off to rest. seeya! thanks for all the tags btw, made my day :D

huayshan

A New Day

A new day brings a new beginning.
I'm really amazed at how many things can happen and change in the span of one day. I made a lot of new discoveries today: about myself, my problems as well as about others. I realise that I can get over things very quickly and at the same time, I forget things in an instant as well. I think this is reason to upgrade to a better phone so that I can jot down notes at any one time but that's besides the point. This whole adversity seems to be a journey of self discovery. I surprise even myself at times with the things I am capable of doing.
Right now, I feel much calmer than I was before. Perhaps I've thought things through and I'm learning to deal with my emotions better.
That being said, I've also learnt that no matter how much you think you know a person, it's never enough. At first, I was upset but now I think it's time for me to take this with a different perspective. I can't allow this to drag on any further so I have to do something about it and I am. I just hope that things turn out for the better, even though the optimist inside of me is still not showing up. I'm heartened to know that there are still some out there who remain optimistic. I can't say the same for myself as I just don't see the damn light. I'm trying to look for it, I really am but I think whether or not the light will shine, will depend on the course of events that follow.
On a brighter note, I'm working on one of the problems that I'm facing and that one has an obvious light. I'm really glad that things are most likely going to work out and I'm even quite positive things will turn out for the better (:
That being said, the main crux of the problem still remains but I will get through this because I am really putting in whatever I have. I'm taking a huge risk, I know and I don't expect it to pay off since it never has. Still, I can at least bow out knowing that I've tried. If it fails, I guess so be it.

MAR

Tears On My Pillow

I didn't wanna wake up today because being awake means dealing with the situation again.
At first, I was very angry at what happened. Now, I'm just deeply hurt. It's not easy seeing someone you know for two plus years change in front of your very eyes. I know two years does not justify knowing a person well. But having accusations thrown at your face, especially since they're not true, is never easy. Others have been telling me that this person is not worth the effort. Part of me wants to accept that, since this is so draining for me. But can I really? How can I turn around and not bother when this person was once so dear to me?
I can't describe how crushed I feel. I have no spirit left in me. I know I have to learn but I don't know whether I can take this. I'm already so tired from work and rugby. This is just killing me deep down inside. I have to get through this week and study. I have no idea how I'm gonna pull through at all. At all.
I don't know how anyone can ever see the light through adversity. I simply can't. The journey is dark all the way. There is no damn light. I think it's just gonna get darker and darker.
I feel robbed, hurt, crushed and simply, tired.
I cannot go on like this.

MAR

Goodbye

Scratch that.
I give up. I'm not gonna try anymore because obviously I shouldn't be the only one trying. Since I found out that I seem to be the only one trying, I'm just gonna give up. I have better things to channel my time and effort to.
This is the end.
For all of you who know what I'm talking about. I'm sad to say that, it's no more. I can't do this anymore. Yes I'm sad, yes I'm hurt but I will survive. I should've seen this coming that's all. But I guess I was blinded by whatever jazz there was. Don't feel sad because I think it's for the better especially if the person we're dealing with here is just not worth the time and effort.
Furthermore now that a certain unfolding of revelations has made things worse, I don't know what to do anymore. It has just made me so pissed and hurt that it's eating me up inside. Although this whole event has made me a more decisive person, this has thrown me so off course that I am at a loss. I've grown to hate a person for doing something totally uncalled for to hurt my good friend. And as for another friend, I just don't know what to say except that you have hurt me and pissed me off to such a great extent.
Don't worry, I will take things as they come. Thanks for all who've helped in one way or another. I will get through this ... somehow. Let's just hope whatever the outcome, it's for the better.
Time to just think of work and rugby.

MAR

Here's To The Start

Having had the past 3 days free of lessons, I've had the time to think things through proper (sort of). Starting from today, I'm gonna stop thinking too much. It's no good for myself and everyone else who has to constantly listen to it. I'm just gonna stop bothering at let things be. Perhaps this is the best way to deal with things. I just hope I can stick to this decision of mine. I think it's difficult but I'm really gonna try my best. I will get through this. Oh yes, no more wondering and worrying. I'm just not gonna bother anymore. It's too tiring and distracting. I need to start getting my act together. Mid terms are drawing nearer so I have to buck up and start some serious revision. I have a mark to meet so I can't afford to play around. I need to start managing my time properly and doing what I need to. I'm scared, scared of the outcome and scared of falling short. But I have to do something about it. It's already been 7 weeks of school and I feel as though I've accomplished nothing save for feeling incompetent. At least today was good, I started revision and I think/hope I'm getting somewhere. Let's just hope I can keep this up.
I'm just glad for the people in my life right now, who've constantly stood by me, listening to me and giving me sound advice. What would I do without you guys? Thank you, really, from the bottom of my heart.
My new resolution to study hard, play hard and not think so much, starts now.
Time to study study study!

xoxo,
MAR